Feeling the Pressure? Remember What’s Most Important

“If I do that again, tell me: ‘Fuck the Patriarchy’”  I said to my friend this week.  

“Fuck the Patriarchy…. got it,” she said.  No explanation needed; we moved on.

The back story is that my friend was over to help capture yoga videos for an upcoming series on Instagram.  The series is about shoulder actions so I was wearing a racer backed tank top so that the viewer could see my shoulder blades.  

But when I watched it back, I not only noticed my shoulder blades, and upper back muscles, I noticed the flesh and fat around them.  I particularly noticed where it was pooching out around the back of my tank top.  I didn’t like it. 

“Should I try to tuck that in so it doesn’t show?”  I asked my friend.

“I get it,” she said.  “But…”  

In that little pause everything I believe and am working to embody popped into my head.  My thoughts around showing up in authenticity and around loving my body no matter what.  Thinking around how the patriarchy absolutely wants women to focus on staying small and hungry. And about how I think it’s important to show yoga on social media that’s not only a tiny white body doing circus tricks. Thoughts about how women get to age however they want… and so much more came to the surface. 

“Fuck the Patriarchy.” summed up all of it so much that I put down my thoughts about my back fat and got back to work.  I’m here to respond to the call of my heart.  Over-anxiety about how I look and what other people think about me aren’t what I’m here for.  I’m here for the work..  That’s it.  Fuck the patriarchy that wants to stop me. 

What’s important here isn’t ‘fuck the patriarchy’ (though that IS important).  What’s important is that I knew what was important and I changed in an instant because of it.  

Pressure to Conform

Our culture has gotten frayed, segmented, and polarized.   With that comes more pressure to conform.  The prevailing sentiment is that you gotta choose a side and dig in.  In that mindset, it doesn’t matter which side you choose, all sides demand that you conform to their dogma.  They want you to perform the way they want you to perform. Anything outside of their vision, isn’t ok.  The more separated we become the less we can tolerate differences. 

That makes it super hard to go against the grain.  When the culture is putting pressure on you to be one way, but you feel another way, you’ll feel stressed, exhausted, squeezed, mad as hell, and/or totally stuck.  

I see this quite often with coaching clients.  Teachers who want to work with students differently but feel stuck in the bigger cogs and expectations of academia.  It’s especially strong in folks who have a different belief structure than their family of origin.  They want to stay connected but feel exhausted, judged, and self-doubt after every visit.  Without a way to reset, the pressure can lead to fragmented families, friendships, careers, or callings. 

Resist the Pressure: Remember your Values

What’s becoming abundantly clear in this very murky world is that YOUR values are what are most important.  Knowing what’s important TO YOU makes all the difference. 

Knowing your values helps you stay steady when the world presses in.  It helps you make decisions about where, when, and how to show up.  It helps you choose how to allocate your resources.  And, coming home to your values is an excellent way to reset when you’ve been knocked off.  Aligning with your values can help preserve your relationships even when they’re difficult. 

When I work with folks around values I ask them to make a list.  It’s like those yard signs that say: “In this house we believe - science is real, no person is illegal, reproductive rights are human rights… etc.”  If I can get people to slow down long enough to do it, it’s very simple homework.

What I find again and again is that when folks write them down, they stick.  Before, when expectations were pushing in, folks felt victimized by them.  Stressed, stuck, and not able to see a way out.  But once they clarify and WRITE DOWN their values, they’re more immune to the pressure.  They see pressure more clearly. Instead of being swept up in it, they keep mental distance.  The distance means they can make decisions based in their values, not stress. 

Keep Your Values Top of Mind

It seems so small, but the list actually makes a big difference. It makes it a lot easier to come back to your valued when you need a reminder.  

Here are some ways to keep them top of mind.  You can write them in your phone, read them into a voice memo, make a few social media posts for yourself, or put them on a sticky note on your bathroom mirror.  Writing them down and putting them in your environment makes sure they’re in your mind regularly.  

Finally, telling a friend or partner can be huge.  Social support lightens your mental load so that you don’t feel like you’re the only one swimming upstream. That’s why having my friend say ‘fuck the patriarchy’ was so helpful.  I knew that she knew exactly what I meant, that she shares all those values I listed, and that she’s living in ways that go against cultural norms too.  We’re in it together. 

As modernity asks us to narrow who we are, and how we live, I invite you to remember what’s most important.  Reconnect with your values.  Put them where you’ll see them.  And let’s build a world worth sharing.