Share from your Heart. No Expectations!
(Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash)
“One of the hardest things is to let go of any expectations of what will happen when you share your truth” That’s the first part of what I posted to Instagram this morning. It’s on my mind because I have some feelings that I want to share with a Beloved. Alongside the feelings I’ve got hopes for what will happen afterwards.
That’s the very sticky point.
Unfortunately, I don’t get to control what happens once I say what needs to be said. Who knows wha’s gonna happen? It could be something amazing. I could come out feeling seen, heard, acknowledged. There could be new directions in the relationship… Or none of that could happen. I could come away feeling ignored and deflated. There’s a whole other person involved. That means I don’t get any control over what happens.
Letting Go
Letting go of expectations when you speak your truth is a mindfulness approach to communicating. In yoga you could connect it to aparigraha; the observance of “non-grasping”.
Like a lot of mindfulness-based experiences, it’s not necessarily easy. Believe me, I’d way rather have a bunch of expectations for this conversation. I hate putting them aside.
It’s not easy… but it’s conscious. Mindfulness acknowledges what I mentioned above: we don’t get to control everybody. The best we can do is be conscious enough to offer the truth in a way that’s kind and compassionate.
I know it seems strange to let go of expectations. I keep thinking “Why would I bother to have this conversation if I don’t WANT something out of it?” And “if my feelings are hurt, why would I tell someone if I don’t want them to change?”
My answer is: It’s not about them.
It’s all for YOU
Your feelings, this conversation, the whole exchange, it’s not about them. It’s about you. Sharing your truth is always about YOU. It’s especially about you if you’re someone like me, who tends to hold back and you don’t usually let folks know how you’re feeling. Sharing is about speaking freely and clearly to give your feelings a voice. Not to get something out of it.
When you give your feelings a voice, you grow inside yourself. You grow connection. You grow a kind of inner resolve and resilience. You see yourself more clearly. You hear your own voice speaking out loud (not just in your head). Hearing yourself creates an inner affirmation. When you share your feelings you say YES to yourself and to your feelings. Do it often and you’ll build self-confidence too.
Folks usually go looking for affirmation from the outside (parents, friends, lovers). Sharing your truth with authenticity is a way of affirming yourself from the inside. If you do that, you don’t need to grasp at other people to affirm you.
Let me say this again: you share so that you hear your voice, so that you say YES to you and to your feelings, and so that you create a strong core of inner self-confidence.
Your Relationship
Also, sharing your truth can grow your relationship with the other person. It happens when instead of expectations, you have the intention to connect. Again, if you’re someone who mutes yourself often, speaking up gives the other person more information. It lets them know what’s going on with you. And it opens the door to connection. Those opportunities aren’t there when you keep your feelings under wraps.
Growing relationship happens when you let the other person really know you - that includes letting them see parts of you that you might not like, and even parts that get upset with them.
The only way the connection can truly grow is if you let go of your expectations around how they’re gonna be when you share. When you leave expectations behind, you bring freedom into the conversation. You free them from trying to guess what you want. You free them from having to jump through hoops to make you happy. Ultimately, you free them from the tyranny of your control. AND you free both of you to be authentic in the moment.
Now, you both get to be REAL.
Honestly, just like mindfulness, real isn’t always easy. It’s usually so freakin’ messy. And, frankly, quite scary. Nervous systems don’t like REAL because it’s unpredictable.
But there’s the good part… unpredictable means ultimate possibilities. Who knows what will happen? When you’re openly expressing from your heart (and doing it without expectations) … anything’s possible.
Try This
I’m definitely overthinking my conversation … I know that because the expectations are right here with me. So this is what I’m gonna do. Try it yourself the next time you need to:
Get in touch with your feelings. Honor, acknowledge, believe them. Say YES to whatever has come up for you. (there’s that inner affirmation the moment you start this process)
Decide if this is something you need to share. Not everything needs to be given voice. Not everything needs to be held back. (we can talk about how to decide another time)
Now that you’ve decided to share, notice what you want out of the conversation. It’s only natural that you want something - probably change.
Very kindly remind yourself that you can’t predict or control what the outcome of the conversation will be. Acknowledge that you have some expectations. Then kindly set them down.
Remind yourself of the intention for connection. Connection with yourself. Connection with the other.
Before you speak, take a moment to connect with Center.
Share freely and with kindness towards yourself and the
Listen and Respond with authenticity from your heart
Give yourself time afterwards to again listen to, honor, acknowledge and believe your feelings. Say YES to you
Congratulate yourself for sharing, no matter the outcome.
If it would help, be in touch with a friend or coach who will cheer for you!
Again, this isn’t the easiest thing to do. Conversations based on feelings get very real very fast. So do your best, and plan for some compassionate care afterwards. With practice it will get a little easier. And if it doesn’t get easier exactly you’ll at least grow the self-confidence that you can do it.
Your Practices Help
Remember, you won’t always need to have difficult conversations. But if you’ve got a sacred practice you can always work on letting go. Doing yoga without expecting to master every pose or meditating without demanding Enlightenment after 10 minutes are ways to practice letting go of expectations. This is how you get familiar with letting go. Then when the stakes are higher you at least know a little bit about it.
We do it for Love
Ultimately, my mission is to be a vessel of Love. … to fill up with Love and to pour it out all around me. The only sustainable way I’ve found to do that is to be as conscious as I can. That means being conscious in every relationship. Consciousness decreases suffering. Less suffering makes room for more love. Love begets Love.
But, these beautiful ideals don’t mean much until they show up in my life. That’s why I’m bringing mindfulness to tough conversations. I’m consciously showing up for my own feelings. I’m freeing my beloveds from the prison of my expectations. And I’m doing it even when it feels hard.
It may not seem like much but I know from experience that these small gestures help Love flow. In a world filled with hate, fear, violence, and greed, we need more than ever. So I hope you’ll join me in bringing it forward.
This post references a lot of practices I’ve mentioned in recent weeks. Here are some helpful links:
Say YES to yourself, your feelings, anything else that’s going on
Find Center so that you can speak from there.
Reminder to practice what you learn in yoga or meditation when you’re not on the mat
I help folks work on all of these things in their relationships with friends, family, and lovers via 1:1 coaching. I’d love to support you. Connect anytime.