It's 8pm and my two kids are both in bed, though I hear the 5 yo singing in there still. I was hoping for 7:30, but 8pm is pretty good. After this day, at 8pm I'm pretty much ready for bed myself and all the To-Dos I put on my list for "after bedtime" never seem to happen this late. Blogging is about all I can muster. As a parent, a stay-at-home mom/ yoga teacher, my days are full. This morning I started at 6am nursing my son and putting him back to bed. By 6:30 when I couldn't get back to sleep I took the opportunity to sneak in 20 minutes of morning meditation, a rare gift. I was called from that by his wake up and the need to get my daughter up and ready for school. The next two plus hours of my life consisted of dressing people, feeding people, cleaning up after people, washing sheets, washing dishes, and getting the gears of the household running. My daughter went to school, my son went in for a morning nap and I was gifted an unknown amount of quiet alone time in the house.
Here is the moment of choice. There are mountains of things I could do with this time. And the time is totally an unknown quantity - will the nap be 30 minutes or 2 hours, no way of knowing.... what to do with it? Many many things exist that I "should" do including cleaning or cooking or in any other way making things easier for myself later. But this is the moment, the ONLY moment I have to have any hope of a practice. And so, instead of facebook, or laundry, or a shower I drag my (awakened 3 times in the night) self to my mat and get to work. It's always creaky at first. I often have to start just laying on my back with my arms crossed over my face. But, thankfully, today I did start somewhere, and then went a few places - around a curve or two, upside down a few times, backwards, forwards - and finally ended up back where I started - laying on my back. Tired. Sort-of sweaty. Pretty satisfied and sure I"ll be sore tomorrow when I try again.
Then the baby woke up before I could finish making notes for my next class. He slammed his chin into the crib and started wailing. I took him, changed his diaper, and off we went for big sister at preschool - being sure to put on a jacket to cover the baby food on my shoulder from his breakfast. And the rest of my hours were spent in cooking for people, cleaning up after people, entertaining people, bathing people, and keeping the machine of my household up and running. And now, at 8pm+ I'm considering a shower.
If I choose it, this will all be repeated tomorrow, and Friday. And on Saturday it won't even get to be repeated because on Saturday there's no school so it will be by the grace of my husband that I'll be able to steal a moment or two for my mat... that or little lady will join me which means stuffed animals will be swinging overhead suspended by yoga straps before the whole thing is through.
There are so many moments when I get very close to thinking this endeavor is crazy. It's too much. I should just give up my yoga practice and stop teaching "for a while" - which would turn into forever. Thankfully, so far I haven't. Thankfully, I do still teach because if I didn't I wouldn't still be practicing. And that would mean my children would get a much crankier mama most days. And my husband would get a much more resentful wife most days. And I would be missing out on the adventure of a lifetime by not turning inside. I would be getting a much less vibrant experience out of my life. What a bummer.
Today I chose yoga, and I felt happy and alive, and somewhere inside I got a sliver of center that I kept even when things got a little more intense in my house that I'd like. Today I chose yoga, I hope tomorrow to do the same.