To me it feels like a destruction. Still feels like a death. (Super rosy post tonight, huh!) Not what I'd usually be grateful for - the demise of a living breathing amazing thing I once loved. And yet, as I shared with students a few weeks ago, I most certainly am deeply grateful.
A year ago at this time I was striving for acceptance into a club that I thought I would never be good enough to fit into. I was deeply afraid of the man who held my entire yoga teaching career fate in his hands, and I was slowly but surely trying to quietly and gently tap my way into a system that I wasn't sure would ever want me. I certainly thought I would never be good enough and I'd heard just a tiny amount of stories of the scrutiny that I might be put under for even attempting my way in. (now I've heard enough to make my head spin!!!)
I wanted it. I needed it. I thought I was nothing without it. I didn't believe for a single second that I would ever be enough. And secretly all of this confirmed my deeply held beliefs that I didn't matter, wasn't important, and honestly would never ever be worthy. I thought I needed a piece of paper with someone important signing off on it to tell me that I belonged.
Probably even if I was in the club "Certified Teachers" I'd still never measure up because I was second generation, not one of the first who actually had John's ear.
And then the world turned on its head. And I left.
All of this stuff I'd poured my heart and soul into vanished by my own free will. Suddenly I was inviting myself to stand shakily on my own two feet, and only on my own two feet. To make it or break it, attract or repel, grow or shrink by my own volition.
The first few months were blurry. I lost any juice I'd ever had, but thank goodness other teachers said that happens to them too.
(and then I got pregnant and the haze of 3 months of hormonal hangover didn't help)
But then, Autumn. The hormonal fog lifted and suddenly I feel different.
I am grateful for the downturn of Anusara because now I own my own life. I am my own teacher, and not one single person can tell me whether I'm doing well, or deserving, or am worthy to stand up in front of people. Well, not a person who's barely shared the room with me and who inspires fear.... my students can always offer feedback - the biggest being that they return or not.
I've learned that I don't need the piece of paper. I don't need the signature, or someone coming in from outside to tell me I've made it, I'm worthy, I'm enough, I'm doing a good job. I'll do that for myself thank you very much.
Instead I'm learning now to stand STRONG on my own two feet. To count on my intuition and Shakti-Ma, and to get honest and open. I'm learning not to stop and simultaneously to open myself to new ideas and to some seriously kick-ass people around me. I'm learning that my inspiration flows much better when I let go of the rules of 'how it has to be done' to fit the bill and instead follow the way my spirit moves me.
I'm no cookie-cutter. Not striving to be someone I'm not for one instant anymore. Reality is way more interesting and way more REAL.
And so I'm glad for the change. Grateful to be heading into 2013 a free woman.